5 Things to Remember when saying “I Love You” for the First Time

Several months ago, a good friend of mine came to me and said, “Mulberry, I think I love her.  But I’m not ready to tell her.”  Then, last week, he looked at me and said, “Alright, Mulberry, I’m ready.”  I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, and in full dude-fashion, punched him in the arm, and said, “It’s about dang time!”

Saying “I Love You” for the first time is really a big deal.  There’s a reason that we are cautious of saying it for its time.  You don’t want to say it too early, otherwise you could freak the other person out.  On the TV Show “The Big Bang Theory,” Leonard and Penny wound up breaking up because one of them said it a bit too early for the other’s taste.

So for anyone out there who’s dating and is feeling like its getting close to time to saying those 3 magic words, I have some advice….Click here to read the full article

    • leeleegirl4
    • January 27th, 2011

    I think this is a great topic and that you did an excellent job covering it. My favorite part was when you explicitly pointed out to the men that it is okay for them to speak up first. I think that sometimes guys need support like that. Also, The Big Bang Theory is one of my favorite shows and I like how you related that show to real life.

    • Tommy
    • April 26th, 2011

    Ok so here’s the thing. I was 17 years when I first me a girl that I fell in love with. I waited about half a year and in that time, we talked and texted and told each other that we liked each other and it was all going perfect until I told her the three words. It was in the car, when I told her “I love u” and she said it back. The whole day I was feeling overjoyed and the feeling that I’m like floating somewhere. But next day, Idk what happened but it started going bad and like not understanding each other. I’m positive that we love each other and that we will b happy together. I’m always happy when I’m with her and I’m 100% sure that it’s love between us. Before I told her, I was afraid that if I’d say it, it would ruin and hurt our relationship and that’s the most thing I’m worried about. That’s y I didn’t say it earlier. But was I right? Could that have ruined our relationship? I’m 18 now and she’s 16. Thank u

    • Emma
    • January 18th, 2012

    I’m looking here because I would like to say I love you to my boyfriend, he is more than just a boyfriend, he is also my best friend now, I have been with him for 3 months now so I don’t know if it’s too early, I am also going to afghan soon so I would like to say it before I go just incase something happens to me whilst I’m out there, I would like him to know my feelings, he is the most special person in my life but I just can’t muster up the courage to say it, I have ample opportunities I just go all shy when I think about saying it, any one got any ideas ?? Xx

    • Emma, here’s the rule: If you know that you are in love with the other person, tell them, but make it really ok for them to not be there at the same time. I think its absolutely possible to know if you love someone or not within 3 months (for me it was 2), but its also not incredibly common either. Telling someone “I love you” is always a risky step. Maybe try something like this…but please, put it in your own words:
      ”Hey, so I have something that I need to say to you. It’s something I’ve been feeling for a while and it’s time to let you know. And I want you know that its really ok if you aren’t there yet, but it wouldn’t be fair for me to hold this in. I love you.”

    • Stephanie
    • April 8th, 2012

    I just had to look this topic up today and your blog came up…gotta love Google.
    I unintentionally dropped the “L-bomb” this morning when letting my boyfriend off at work this morning. He said “have a good day dear-dear” as he was exiting the car and I said (without consciously meaning too) “you too, luv you-luv you”. He basically responded with “have a good one” and shut the door.

    Now I know that there is likely an unconscious reason that I responded with that, as well as a habitual one. I end most phone conversations and good byes with family and close friends by saying “Love you”.
    I have been dating this man for 6 months and we see each other pretty much everyday.
    He has expressed to me that I am important to him and that he cares about me but the “L” word has not ever been used….well, except when I was really drunk one time in the first month we were together…doesn’t count!

    So now I said it and will be freaking out about it until I see him tonight. If he does not mention it, neither will I. But geesh, I am not even sure if what I am feeling really is love or just a still strengthening emotional attachment…same thing?

    At any rate, thank you for your blog…it was helpful. 🙂

    • Beth B.
    • April 15th, 2012

    Great article. So here’s my story. 14 yrs ago, I was doing an internship for college and there was a guy who I had a little crush on, but never said anything because I live in the midwest and he lived out east and nothing would have come of it and he had a gf. Once I was back at school, I called him to say hi. His roommate told me he couldn’t talk because he was about to propose to his gf. So I never called him again.

    Fast forward to April 2011 when the wonderful world of facebook reconnected us. He never got married, and had one serious relationship after that which ended about 2 yrs ago. In the last 2 years he quit his job to move home to take care of his dad who sadly died of cancer, and when he was getting ready to move on with his life, his mom had a major stroke so he stayed home to help her. He told me I reconnected with him during a bad, dark point in his life because he was so miserable and I may want to rethink being friends. I didn’t budge because it’s not like me to do so. I am a true friend to those I care for. He’s had his up and downs (mainly downs) over the last year and so have I, yet we remain close. The 3 times we made plans to see each other something happened (his mom ended up in hospital, I lost my job, and his mom got sick again), so we haven’t seen each other yet.

    Over the course of the last year with email, phone calls, fb, text, and more recently Skype, we speak every day, usually for more than 2 hrs and sometimes 4 hrs. He’s said he loves me 3 times, and I told him once, “I love you too, but I am not going to have the first time I tell you that be over the phone.”

    So 2 questions: Is the possible to seriously fall in love over the phone? I view it as we took this first year getting to know each other so well. I fell for him for his personality and the person he aspires to be (now that his life is finally getting back on track). May day isn’t complete until I talk to him. And second question: Do I tell him I love him, when I see him (which will be in the next month or so) or wait for him to say it in person?

    • Hi Beth, what a story. To answer your questions:

      1) Is it possible to fall in love over the phone? I think the short answer is yes, it is possible, though not terribly likely. And for the relationship to continue, it MUST graduate to being physically close. I think the question really is are you sure you’re getting to know the whole person? Is that possible to do without being in close physical proximity? In today’s technological age, it’s definitely possible. But even technology can’t replace real life, day to day, face to face interactions. There’s a vibe that being physically next to someone can give you that you don’t always get over the phone or through Skype. More than anything, I think technology gives us the ability to facilitate relationships, but isn’t a replacement for one. And keep in mind, there have certainly been many many success stories of people who found each other online, or reconnected via Facebook/phone/email and they are thriving in a relationship together. But on the flip side, there are many that didn’t end well. So I say be careful with that one.

      2) Should you tell him you love him when you see him or wait for him to say it? Here’s what I’ll say- don’t wait for him to say it. You say it when you’re ready. Remember, a big part of this is that it’s really ok for one person to be there, but the other person not. Let me say it again, IT’S OK. In fact, more often than not, I think it’s normal. So, should you say it at all? My advice is wait till you have been physically with him for some time. How long? 1 month? 2? 2 weeks? I don’t know, that’s up to you. Another big tennent of this is that if you really feel it, and you’re sure it’s love, don’t wait. Tell him.

      Hope that helps. Can’t wait to hear the rest of the story a it unfolds

    • may
    • June 23rd, 2012

    I think I was in love after our 2nd conversation at work. He is 8 years younger than me but we have so much in commmon and ares really in tune with each other. I told him l loved him after 2 months. I have never liked a hairy guy aaattt aaaalll! But I am in love with this one. It took me 12 years to find him. He has not said the l word to me but I feel it every day. Love is great and if you feel it let the person know!

    • Thanks for your response. That’s great to hear. Especially for all the hairy gut guys out there.

    • kabir
    • July 27th, 2012

    well actully i didnt say i love u to her yet but i want to say dat to her m in love wid her from d past 2yrs but m afraid if dat’ll freak her out i mean i dont want her to feel bad or make her angry or anything…..

    • I think you need to ask a few questions of yourself first:
      1) Are you really in love with her or do you just like her a whole lot?
      2) Are you in a relationship with her? You don’t say I love you to girl who sits across the classroom from you.
      IF the answer to both of those questions is yes, then just tell her. The rest be damned. Like the article says, make it ok for her to not be there. But if you are there, then you need to tell her.

  1. I’m just now stumbling on this, so hopefully will get a response from you.

    Here’s my story. I’ve been dating a guy that is 9 years younger than me for 4 months now. During these 4 months we have made some wonderful memories but our relationship in some ways has moved very slowly, in other ways fast. He has been the one to be very reserved with the deep stuff. In the beginning he made it clear that he wasn’t ready to be serious, but enjoyed what we had going on. For the first 2 months I was constantly frustrated, because even though he had said those things, he was still with me everyday, constant phone calls, texts, etc, and I was thinking “how can we not be serious, we spend all of our waking time together”. Now cut to the past month and a half, our relationship has definitely grown deeper. We are an official couple now..it’s a new level and I’m enjoying it immensely.Right before this new level, we had gotten into our first and only argument over a big misunderstanding. I told him in a text that I was in love with him. He brought it up later that it made him feel really good when I had said that. Fast forward 2 weeks later, during sex ( but after a night of drinking) I told him I loved him, he said it back. We haven’t said it since. Now fast forward to last weekend, Sunday morning he woke up and as we were talking while getting dressed he told me that he had almost let the big words fly the night before. I said what are you talking about? He said nothing nevermind. I finally caught onto what he was saying and said “so were you going to tell me you loved me last night?” he just grinned and nodded his head, but then kinda laughed it off and said, ” yeh, but I held myself back” I asked him at what point in the night was he about to tell me that and he told me he wasn’t sure..that it was when we were at a bar drinking and that he was drunk..to which we laughed and I kinda was blowing it off… then he said, no it was when we were at the ballgame.. I said well, newsflash you weren’t drunk or even drinking then, and he just grinned. and changed the subject.

    Now..what do i take from this? Oh and as of about 3 weeks ago, he has officially moved in with me. I know right? Living together and not even said I love you yet.
    I do love him..and I know he knows I do.. therefore, I haven’t said it again because I know he has wanted to take things really slow with this relationship due to being hurt really bad in his last one..
    But he’s been telling me alot here lately how happy I make him, all that stuff. I know he’s the type to be afraid of what my reaction would be if he said it… but I show him daily that I love him.. so, should I say something since he told me he almost said it. Or should I just continue to wait?

    • Wow, there’s a lot you got going on in here. First, let me clearly answer your actual question: Should you say something since he told you he almost said it: I would say you already have said something. Remember, the key to this whole thing is letting each person be in their own place at their own time, but at the same time being known by the other person. It’s perfectly ok for one person to know that they are in love, have said it, and for the other person to not be there yet. From your story, it seems you have made it perfectly clear how you feel (because you actually said the words to him.) Now what I would say is don’t keep putting pressure on him. Let him work it out in his own timing.

      Now, with that said, let me address some of the other things I see in your comment. If I could meet this guy face to face, I would grab him by his shoulders, shake him, and tell him to grow a pair. So he says it once when he’s drunk…ok. Alcohol has a tendancy to lower inhibitions and real feelings can come out. So maybe that was real, but it was alcohol induced. The next time, at the ballgame…when he “almost” said it– I think, and I don’t know this guy so its just a guess, that’s him trying to tell you, but not having the balls to do it.

      I will say this, and I don’t know this guy from Adam, so you’ll have to figure this out for yourself and your guy- does this guy have some deeper stuff going on that he needs to work through with someone or is this guy just in it to have a girlfriend right now? I’m a big believer in not dating alone. What I mean by that is that we all need someone we can go to for advise, who will love us, and ask the hard questions of us. Someone who can be in it with you. It could be a professional counsellor, but most often isn’t. The one person it can’t be is the other person in the relationship.

      Hope that helps.

    • Summer
    • October 12th, 2012

    Awesome post! My boyfriend of 3 months keeps saying “you know you love me” but we keep telling each other we won’t say it first. He’s talking about moving in together and has met my daughter (a huge thing for both of us.) I’m madly in love with him but scared to death to say it. I think as opposed to thinking it out, I might need to let it happen naturally. Like “good night, i love you” as opposed to deliberately saying “hey, i’ve been thinking.”

    what do you think? I believe this guy is serious, and I’m fairly positive he’s crazy about me. Help!!

    • Hi Summer, Couple of thoughts here for you, some solicited, some not solicited, but you asked for help, so here it is:

      1) Thanks so much for the compliment. I really appreciate it. I love that this post has helped so many people.

      2) Let me clue you in to what your boyfriend is doing when he says, “You know you love me.” HE’S FLIRTING. And its a damn good flirt too. This is also him prepping you to hear the words, getting you used to hearing them in a non-threatening way. He has my compliments.

      3) I’m gonna call BS on something here. The truth is, You don’t want this to “just happen,” you want it to be very intentional. And you should, you’re worth it. I don’t care who you are or how old you are, it is a big deal. Don’t protect your heart from getting hurt by trying to minimize it. It’s a big step in any relationship and should be treated as such.

      4) Before you start throwing down the big L word, do me a favor and check yourself, ask people who are close to you that will you the truth (remember that’s not often your girl friends), and ask the question, are you really in love with this guy, or do you just like him a whole heck of a lot?

      5) Let assume the answer was yes, you really are in love- I always believe that the guy should go first here, but more than that, I believe in actually being honest with each other. So remember the rule, Let the other person know where you are without requiring that they be there too. Each person has to get there at their own pace.

      6) Disclaimer- this is a judgement free blog- so whatever you choose here, you’ll get no judgement from me. But you mentioned something that is ALWAYS a HUGE red flag to me…and that’s the issue of moving in together. Here’s my thought for you on that- until there’s two rings and an “I do” in between, DON’T DO IT! This isn’t about religion or moral values- this is simply something I have seen tons and tons of couples do, and rarely does it work out. The reason is, I think, you’re living like there’s a commitment without actually having made the commitment. That sets unspoken expectations on both people that neither of you have, well, committed to. For more on the issue, here’s a great article from the New York Times. Click HERE By the way, the fact that you have a little girl in the picture magnifies my point here 100,000 times. Don’t let this guy move in, play step-dad to your daughter, until he had made the commitment and acting on it to actually being a dad to her.

      Whatever you choose- Happy dating, and good luck!

    • Jen
    • October 16th, 2012

    OK – I am also a fan of this post… I have the most awesome boyfriend I’ve ever had, and I’m 41. I definitely know how I feel and like the girl a few posts back said it in a slip. When I said it, it was in a goofy, stupid way because we were laying in bed and my very retarded, deaf cat was laying between us and I was kissing on her and (even though she cannot hear me) said, “Love you, Marie” and then immediately for some reason moved over and started stupid-kissing his arm and said, “Love you, too” in the same ridiculous voice that I’d just said it to the cat in. I started getting up to go to the bathroom (which I was already going to do) and he started kind of laughing and said, “WHAT DID YOU SAY?!” and I replayed the whole dumb situation and then just got up and went to the bathroom. I felt like a moron. I totally played it off like I was just being goofy since I was just doing that to the cat. We never brought it up or talked about it again – that was like a month or a little more ago. So to this point (5 months in) no one has said it.

    I keep seeing you say that you are a believer that the guy should go first – and I am truly of the same opinion. He has come out of a marriage about a year ago and this is the first serious thing he’s had since he was with her. They were together for 10 years – 5 of them married. I’ve let him pretty much completely “drive” this whole time because I know in the past I’ve had the masculine energy a lot of the time and probably ran some potentially good people off. I’ve pretty much changed that about myself. I am more girly than ever, letting him see all of my emotions happy/sad/melancholy/whatever, which I can honestly say I’ve never done with anyone before. We are together 24/7 and have had serious talks about moving in together (brought up by him). He stays at his apartment about 1 night a week, but even that night he always asks me if I want to come with him. We’ve made long-term plans for the upcoming holidays, vacations, etc. He told me a few weeks ago that if I didn’t know how he feels about me by now, then I’d never know. And he is right. He treats me like a princess in every way. I think I know he loves me, but just hasn’t said it.

    What is your opinion? Do I just go ahead and say how I feel with adding that it’s ok if he’s not there yet, or I do just wait for him to go first? I haven’t told anyone that I love them in about 12 years, so I’m pretty set on trying to do this right. Please advise. Guys’ honest opinions are very valuable!

    • I’ve got to say, I love love love the fact that at 41 you’re still acting goofy. That makes me so happy 🙂 Which just goes to prove that when it comes to the issue of love, it can make anyone behave like a 13 year old. AND- saying “I love you,” especially for the first time, is still a really big deal!

      A big reason why I started this blog was to help MEN be MEN when it comes to dating. I know that I sucked at dating for the longest time, mostly because the only teacher I had was Hollywood, which, by the way, is a horrible horrible teacher. It wasn’t until I humbled myself, said, “I obviously don’t know how to date well, look at the destruction in my past,” and asked for help from another MAN did anything begin to go right.

      Now, there are some things that only MEN can say to MEN, which means, unfortunately, you can’t say them. But if I was talking to your boyfriend, I’d put my hands on his shoulders, shake him around, and tell him- “If you love her, YOU have to tell her. Say the words! You can’t just live at her place, invite her back to your place one a week, make plans to spend the holidays together, and then expect her to just “know” it. Even at your age- it’s a big freakin’ deal and she deserves, she’s worth it, so do it well. Grow some hair on your sack and tell her.”
      Like I said, there are some thing that only men can say to men.

      And since you can’t say that to him, here’s my advice for you. First- push pause and find out if you are really in love with him or if you just like him a whole lot. Let me give you full permission to be in either spot. Then when you know which one it is, TELL HIM. More important that him going first is that you are honest with him about where you are in the relationship and make it ok for him to not be there yet, and then don’t make it awkward afterwards. It just may give him the courage and jolt of reality he needs to shake off what ever he’s going on.

      Also, for you, don’t underestimate the damage that his heart took after losing his mate of 10 years. Regardless of why the marriage failed, it’s not something that is healed quickly, but it is something that can be healed. There are some really great groups out there for Divorce Support and if he has not taken advantage of those yet, I’d really encourage him to. That could be a big reason why he’s been so reluctant to say the words. There’s an unspoken commitment that comes with saying those words. Don’t delude yourself, moving in together is way easier than committing, its a fake substitute for the real thing. And moving in together is NOT the same as committing to each other. Which is why I always recommend people NOT move in together unless they are married. It’s just a mess if you’re not.

      In essence- what I am saying is don’t cheapen the relationship by accepting the fake stuff as the real stuff. For you, hold out for the real. You are so worth it.

    • Jen
    • October 16th, 2012

    Man, you are good! Thanks, Brent, for the quick reply. I know what to do now. I’m going to tell him how I feel but make sure that he knows that it’s OK if he isn’t in the same place yet and I would definitely not make it awkward for him if he isn’t sure he feels the same just now. And what you brought up with his healing from his divorce is the next thing that is on my mind.

    I do kind of feel like we are “playing house” right now. I have felt a few times like maybe we should take a few steps back from that, but I wonder how we do that without making a mess out of what we have going on, which is really great! ??? I wouldn’t want for feelings to get hurt, thinking that one of us doesn’t want what is happening or one of us to take it personally. I would have no idea how to handle that conversation.

    And you are right, I have waited THIS long, I definitely don’t want to settle for anything less than the real thing!!! I know I deserve that – and so does he. We have talked a lot about his divorce and the whole marriage. He does seem really at peace with it and tells me that it was really over for a while before it was over (if you know what I mean), so it gave him some amount of closure before it was officially done. They ended up doing the whole “living as roommates/friends” thing before it finally ended, which was by her cheating on him. I know he has done some amount of grieving over the loss of mostly their friendship, and finding ways to deal with the idea of the failure of the whole thing and how he knows that they should’ve never been married to begin with because all the signs were there but he just didn’t “see” them. Easy for all of us to say. He has taken a long hard look at himself to know where he went wrong in the marriage and has read some books and talked to a lot of people in efforts to be sure he changes things that he knows were his fault.

    If you have any advice on whether to back off the intensity or how to handle that conversation I would welcome that too from your male perspective! 🙂

    • I would definitely say that if you are feeling like you need to back off the intensity, then you ABSOLUTELY need to talk about it with him. Remember the rule of letting each other know where you are in the relationship, but making it ok for the other person to not be there as well? That works both ways. And please note this- I’m not just talking about the idea that you two have talked and agreed that “this” is where you are. I’m talking about where you are in your heart. I’m talking about communicating to the other person where you are in your heart. And that’s risky.

      So for you and him specifically- you said you’re “playing house,” in other words- you’re mimicking what it means to be in a committed, declared relationship without actually have declared it yet. I’d be willing to bet that what you actually are wanting is something more. And truth be told- and I’ve not talked to the guy- but I’d be willing to bet that what he actually wants is something more as well. So I’d tell you not to settle for the cheap imitation. What you need to tell him, and what you two need to establish is what you both want out of this relationship. Is it leading towards marriage? Is that even on the table? Is it really just having fun? (by the way- both are good reasons to be in a relationship if that’s what both people are wanting from the relationship). Just please, don’t adjust what you want from the relationship to match what he wants from the relationship.

      But if you find yourself living in reality someplace and realize that you really “aren’t there yet” in your heart (if that makes sense), then you gotta let him know. He may or may not understand, but if he really loves you, he’ll come around and respect it (By the way- it may take him a few days to come around, give it to him, guys can be slow processors). And don’t expect him to not try either- that’s just him pursuing you, which is a good thing. Where it goes bad is when he tries to force it, put a guilt trip on you, or anything stupid like that- all of which I’ve done, and it took another MAN to call it out of me.

      Back to my point- (and this will be a full on post one day) Here’s the danger of not letting each other know where you are- Before you realize it, you two could wake up one day and be on two different pages. Let me explain how that works. Think of a graph. The horizontal axis is time, the vertical axis is stages of the relationship (friends, dating, exclusively dating, engagement, marriage…). Over time, the idea is that you as two seperate lines are on a parallel path up through the stages. But if you don’t talk about where you are, what you’re expectations are, where the other person is, so often one person keeps heading up through the stages, while the other person hangs back. Sometimes, a person starts having questions (like you are now), and actually they are heading back down the graph. Well, if one person is heading up the graph, but the other person is staying right where they are, or even is heading back down- guess what’s happening, they are beginning to grow further apart. On the other hand- if its clear where each person is, then you can stay in sync with each other. A real great example- when I knew that I wanted to marry my wife, the same rules applied. I swallowed the big apple in my throat, manned up, and said, “Hey, just so you know, I’ve made my decision. You’re the person I’d like to marry. It’s really ok if you’re not there yet. But just so you know, I am.” We spent the next 4 months still in Datingland before she was ready. I didn’t jump ahead. I wasn’t assuming we would get married. And she knew that that’s where my mindset was. Thankfully, she eventually got there too. And she eventually let me know as well. It would still be another 6 weeks before I officially asked her to marry me. But that was mostly cause I was looking for the ring. I did the work to not look for the ring before we were both in the same spot. It would have been too hard on my heart to be making those plans if she wasn’t there and wouldn’t get there. But what made it work is that we were in sync the whole way through the stages. It has served us well, because we are still in sync today.

    • Sam
    • October 30th, 2012

    Ok so I have no idea, how old this is and if you are still replying to any of this but what do I have to lose other than few minutes of my time? Anyways I connected with this girl over Facebook about a year ago, she added me and that was it now a year later I posted something and she liked it and I ant her a message and we have started talking. Then we actually went somewhere and actually met for the first time at that place might I add we are both young and literally the same age just days of a difference. Anyways we met had some lunch and got to know each other a little bit but it wasn’t a date. Anyways the next day we were talking and I asked her on a date and she said yes in fact there was literally no hesitation to her response which made me feel great. Anyways in the mean time before our date we have been texting and what not and in fact I think we even hung out once or twice before our date. Anyways finally the big day came around and I picked her up from her house and we went on our date, come to think of it we both had a blast with it 🙂 might I also add people have told us separately and I also see this she is exactly like me but in a girl form and vise versa. I’m talking about exact personality and almost exact interests, only difference is she doesn’t like computers as much as I do but who cares? Anyways after our date we decided to make it official and continue dating me we have hung out literally plenty of times since our date, we have kissed, and talked about things that some people wouldn’t, anyways continuing on, I do like her, a whole lot and I am pretty sure I do love her, although there has been times we have said “love ya” but in a joking manner because of a joke we read/heard somewhere but anyways I feel as if I do love her although I just don’t know how to go about telling her because in the kind of guy that if I say “I love you” it’s because I absolutely mean it. I’ve only said those three words to one other girl and she completely broke my heart and just tore it to a billion pieces, luckily though I had friends that helped me through it and collect those pieces and put it back together, in fact I sometimes feel like I still am just because of the fact I am afraid if saying hose three words and finding out she doesn’t have the same feeling for me. Also a little quick note we are both 18 and I don’t believe she ever has had an actual “boyfriend” so to speak anyways. But here’s my main issue, I want to tell her “I love you” but I am completely afraid of what she will say because I have seen and heard of other couples completely breaking up because of it and I don’t know whether if I tell her she would just shut down and go into shy-mode or what? If you do respond to this I greatly appreciate it and a thank you in advance!

      • Sam
      • October 30th, 2012

      Btw I almost forgot, it has been 2 weeks 6 days.. It’ll be exactly 3 weeks on Halloween since we’ve started talking and for some reason I feel like I’ve known for her a lifetime, it may be because of the fact that she’s exactly like me and vise versa but whatever there is no real time in love I understand that but some people can just fall in love faster its just the second opinion that I have no idea where to go for that I need.

    • Madison
    • December 20th, 2012

    Hey! I need encouragement. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. We officially been together for two months. Recently, we always joke by saying “Awww you love me” to each other. He asked me a few times, and so have I; but we normally don’t admit it to one another. We squirm our way around it. Except 3 months ago when I was drunk lol. All my friends know I love him!! I can admit it to the world except him. I feel my heart melting in my chest when I look him in his eyes. Also, I get emotional just with thoughts of spending the rest of my life with him. I feel like he loves me too, but I am soo afraid to say it first. He made it very clear that he wants me to say it first when I am ready. I guess I should have never express to him that I never and would never say it first. However, recently he has been away on business for a few weeks and he is coming back very soon. Lately, I feel like he really loves me because 1) every time before he hangs up the phone he says “I miss you”. He says it so passionately. It kinda reminds me of an “I love you” before hanging up. And he says it every time. 2) and he also told me that he feels like I am his true love. So I want to tell him I love him when he gets back. I am soooo scared I never did this before and never intended to do it. It’s soo much easier to say “I love you too”, but he is obviously not letting me off too easy. Oh, and I don’t handle rejection well. If he doesn’t agree. I am going to be secretly be upset. Help! Please!

    • Hi Madison,

      First thought- Of course it’s scary, it’s supposed to be. It’s called risking your heart, and that’s always scary.

      Here’s my advice- DON’T SAY IT FIRST. Usually I say it’s good for the man to go first, but its ok for the girl to go first, but in this situation- absolutely not- make him go first. Go back to him and say this, “You said I’m gonna have to be the one to say it first. No, you go first. You’re the man.” When you call him to be THE MAN, it will evoke something in him and call him up to be the person he was meant to be. And trust me, you want him to be the man that he was meant to be.

      Now, that said, if I could have a one-on-one with this guy, I’d look him in the eye and tell him to Man-the-freak-Up. Seriously, he’s waiting on you to say it first- you wanna know why- cause he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself. He doesn’t want to take the risk. And I don’t blame him for it. Risks are scary. But as a man, he was made to take risks. He was made to be in danger. He was made to take the first step. And by him seeding that spot to you- that’s a clear sign of troubling things to come. And then I would give him a gift. I’d give him the book “Wild at Heart” by John Eldridge. And if he told me he wasn’t the book reading type, I’d tell him that doesn’t matter, cause he’s gonna ready this particular book.

      I don’t say all that to put a damper on things, but to talk about the reality of the situation. I’ve seen it 1000 times. Here’s the good news- there’s hope. Your boyfriend’s problem is that he was never initiated in this part of manhood by another man. He had no true mentor to walk him through this part of life and show him how to navigate it. And that’s something only another man can do. But if there is no man to do this for him- I wholeheartedly believe God can mentor him through it simply by the instincts He place in your boyfriend. The truth is, deep inside, your boyfriend wants to go first. What is stopping him is FEAR…and he really wants to conquer that fear.

      So how can you help? 1) Don’t do his job for him. 2) Love him. There is great verse in the Bible that says “Love drives out all fear.” Go all out in loving him, make sure he knows he has your respect. It will bolster him and give him the courage to do what he knows he should do. You can call it out of it. So go for it.

      Let me know how it goes for you.

    • Lisa
    • May 5th, 2013

    I am not sure if you are still active i answering on this blog, but I need help! My boyfriend and I are both 41 years old. We have known each other from school since we were 11. We reconnected with our HS class on Facebook 3 or 4 years ago and quickly became good friends again. A special event lasting a weekend lead to us spending a lot of time together. We had a great time, and unexpectedly lead to dating. It has been two years now and we are together all the time. We have separate homes, but are still together or texting constantly. So much so people refer to us as married, and he treats me like we are married. HE can not say I love you, and I have told him it bothers me. I finally ask if he loved me on two occassions, and he said, “Why are you asking me that? We are together aren’t we or are we not?” I told him it was important that I know and its important to me. Let’s face it I am 41 and I don’t want to waste years on a relationship not knowing. He expects me not to talk to anyone who would show interest in dating, and I expect the same from him. Last year we did go through an issue where a female, we both went to school with was sending him dirty emails, and he accidentally left it up on my personal lap top and I saw it. I read the email and he did tell her he had a girlfriend, but he still entertained saving an email that was no less than the nastiest of pornography in writing, detailing everything! I broke it off with him and was very hurt and he also seemed very hurt and upset. At that time he was honest that he had been flirting and it was more like a pass time to him, and an outlet for stress especially when I was absent and away for days. He promised it would discontinue. Recently he handed me his phone to show me a pic and as I scrolled through to look at others he had a mental break down demanding I stop immediately. I told him that bothered me as he expects me to share everything with him, and that he should not expect less than he gives, and I went home. Knowing him, I feel like he was afraid I would see something on his phone that would lead to me to discontinue a committed relationship. He has told me he loves me only twice in 2 years, and I am not sure it wasn’t an accident. When he is away from me for a few hours, and even while he is at work he texts me to tell me he misses me. He is very affectionate with me, and loves to hear me say I love you, especially if we go several days without seeing one another. He has explained to me that with the situation with his kids that he gets very stressed out times (he has custody and their mom open visitation and she is a very poor influence) he feels anything happy will have to be let go of at some point and he is afraid to get use to anything…But it has been two years! We have gone through a lot together in regards to difficult times he has had and I have been by his side. He tells me I ma his best friend and he would be lost without me. I talk to him about spending less time together and taking a break, and he gets really hurt and upset and I back off. Truth is that I love him, but without reassurance and confirmation is return, I am ready to move on, but I suck at hurting other people. I feel I am giving and am expected to give much more emotionally than I receive back, All the signs are there that he loves me, but I also know he is very insecure. Thank you for you time and help.

    • Here’s the most important thing you said here, “I am 41 and I don’t want to waste years on a relationship…”

      A guy (or girl for that matter) who refuses to commit ultimately is keeping options open. I can tell from your comment that you are not the type of person who wants a relationship where the other person is keeping the back door open for a possible escape. I think this is a situation where it’s time to tell him to crap or get off the pot.

    • Mark
    • June 9th, 2013

    Okay, so I’ve been with this person for 3 months. We tend not to talk about our feelings, and when we do we joke around about it and usually tease each other. I’m 23, she’s 22. We’ve been friends for a long time and we kinda just randomly started dating I guess.. I didn’t expect it at all. Really.. And usually I never end up doing relationships well… But this girl always challenged me… And always ended up surprising me…….I’m a graduate student and she just graduated. She’s leaving for another university.. A very far distance away. But I’m going down with her in a week because she wanted me to be with her when she goes to look for apartments and such. Well last night we had an alcohol infused evening with friends.. Things got a little crazy to say the least…. Well I woke up this morning and we were just laying in bed… And asked if I said anything stupid last night… She was surprised and responded with “you don’t remember? You said the worst thing possible.” now when she said that I knew what happened because we always joke about the topic of feelings like I said earlier…… But Apperently when we were going at it last night I said it a few times and she saidshe just ignored me….. This is a good girl in my eyes… She ddefinitely isn’t perfect by no means and I know when she leaves we don’t know what’s going to happen. We’ve talked about it but we aren’t the type of people to put labels on things . either way I want the best for her, always will no matter what . I’ve never dated someone like her… She knows that…I know she cares about me too…. I’m just ranting now.r…

  2. Hello! I’ve been reading your website for some time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from New Caney Texas! Just wanted to mention keep up the good job!

    • Jamie
    • July 15th, 2013

    I have been with this guy for about 8 months now. Early in the relationship his mum died we decided from the start that we would keep things light it was mostly my idea then out of no where I started to like him. He broke up with me because he got scared… He then realized that he didn’t want to be with out me and we got back together. We have a wonderfully casual relationship where we both give each other the space we need. But we also make each other very happy. I love him but I’m afraid to push him away by saying it, I’m emotionally involved now and If he leaves I will be so upset

    • Keeping things light and casual is a really good thing early on in a relationship. But relationships weren’t meant to stay light and casual. They’re made to progress, to go deeper. If the relationship is not progressing, then it is stagnating. It’s really sad to hear about him mom, but that’s no reason for him to live in perpetual state of holding people at bay. If he can’t get over it, you don’t want that as your relationship. Sounds like its time for a DTR.

    • Melissa
    • July 24th, 2013

    Hey there,
    I’ve been an emotional roller coaster these past couple months and I really need some advice. I’m been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now and we still haven’t said “I Love You”. He got out of a 10 year relationship about 4 years ago and I got out of a 10 year one as well and immediately started dating him. In the couple months of dating we almost broke up because of all the bull shit with my ex and my baby being involved and in my despair I told him I loved him. Then a week later we decided to stay together and I told him I wanted to take it back, that I said it out of fear of losing him and want to wait before I say it. My friends think I should wait till I’m officially divorced and when I brought it up to him he seemed to agree. Here we are, 5 months later and we still haven’t said it. He says and writes things that make me think he does, but he won’t say the words. He sends me hearts via text and tells me how much I mean to him. I’ve made eye contact with him a few times thinking about how much I love him and he when he guesses that’s what I might be thinking he tells me to wait. I said it seemed silly to not say it when he now knows that’s how I’m feeling and that I fear rejection. His reply was to leave the ball in his court, he said he will tell me when he feels that way and then I won’t be in fear of rushing it. I feel like I’m gonna explode, I’ve almost told him so many times and I just can’t. I feel like he is waiting for the right time, but when will that actually happen?! I’ve met his kids many many times and they adore me and I them. He has a bond with my baby and we even talk about moving in together after I’m done school and what kind of life it would be for the 3 kids. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m to the point where I just wanna tell him, but at the same time, wonder if he is waiting for when the divorce is final. I don’t know if I can hold back that long, I’m already struggling so hard with it snd I really wanna tell him how I feel…

      • Melissa
      • July 24th, 2013

      I forgot to mention, I’m 29 and he is 34 and I’m sure he has not said “I Love You” to anyone else since his ex wife

      • Melissa
      • July 24th, 2013

      He was in a great mood after a concert one night, he was drunk and very confident in himself and we were having a good time chatting (while I was in my PJs ready for bed when he showed up at my door) and then I hugged him and he started to joke saying “You love me don’t you?” He knew I felt that way about him and still wouldn’t give in that night. I told him later how much that upset me, cause it seemed like he was taunting me. Sometimes I feel like I am being this needy/desperate woman cause I seem to feel this way about him and that maybe he doesn’t yet…

      • Here’s my big advice- keep waiting. Don’t force it. Don’t rush it. I know it’s hard. But he’s full on asked you to leave it in his court. You’ve said it, he knows. Now give him space. And the next time he says, “You love me don’t you.” SAY YES!!!!!!! Don’t get upset with him at that. That’s him testing those waters.

        Now, to him, I would say, “man the freak up dude. Just tell her.”

  3. i whant to tell my guy i love him but in nervous for his reaction.

    • Yup, I can understand how that’d be scary. But sometimes you gotta say what you gotta say. Go back and read the post to see what it says about this very issue.

    • Arjun
    • August 7th, 2013

    first of all, had a good time reading your post….well my story is all twisted up…………..im an indian high schooler and im 16,its been 2 wonderful years since we first met,but itz a true fact that i never got the courage to tell her this,i know i really love her and yes,she likes me(dnt knw wat tat means),we look at each other,we laugh at each other,but even if i tell her those 3 words,im afraid my whole mates will know as she says everythng to her frnds, and her friends are devils…..i know she luvs me,and she knws it too……….!!
    expert advice required !

    • Here’s my expert advice- go back and read post again- saying these words is risky. It wouldn’t be risky if things that you mentioned weren’t a real possibility. But you gotta figure out if you’re going to have the courage and man up enough to do what you need to do.

    • Whitney
    • August 9th, 2013

    Well I’m 16 and my boyfriend just turned 18… We have been dating for almost 4 months..he actually said “i love you” first… It kinda through me off a little bit because we had only been dating for about a month.. and I just smiled and hugged him…I guess i just needed to think About it… Well a couebweeks later we were laying outside looking at stars one night and he was talking about his day and all I remember was me turning and looking at I’m and saying I love you… I know I’m young and every adult seems to say you don’t know what love is… But I think that when you know you know… I feel it… I can’t explain what it is but I know we love each other…. I don’t care if I’m young I’m crazy about this guy ❤

    • Adults don’t often know what they’re talking about. You absolutely could know what love is. But you could also just really be in like. And as far as you know, this is love. Which is a valid thing. Either way, here’s what I can tell you- the older you get, the more you will learn about love. And the day may come when you look back on this time and think, “Man, I really didn’t know what love was back then.” Kinda like when you first start driving, you think you know it all and how to really drive. But the longer you drive, the more you realize you didn’t really know much about driving. I guess what I’m saying is that love is something you learn about as you go through it. Love on!

      • PS- It would be a really good idea for you have someone in your life who is older than you and that really cares about you that you ask to have an outsiders view into your life. Perhaps a youth group leader, an aunt, older sister or cousin. Friends don’t really work for this. Often times parents don’t either. Trust me, you’d be wise to listen to the wisdom they can share with you.

    • Cassie
    • August 12th, 2013

    It only took a few months for y’all? Dang.. it took me 6 years to say I love you.

    • frankie adams
    • August 31st, 2013

    i think this is a good site to help people who are not really good with girls. Look i’m now enjoying. Thanks to love panky.

    • Ashley
    • September 15th, 2013

    I was on here reading because I have just recently started dating a guy again that I dated for a few months back in 2007. After we broke up we never really lost touch and he has always been there to help me through some hard times through the years. We started talking about giving things another shot and we text everyday and he comes to see me when he can because he lives an hour away and works nights. That is also why we resorted to texting mostly. In the 6 years that I have known him I know for a fact that I have fallen in love with him but I don’t know when to tell him or do not want him to feel pressured. I did tell him about 9 months ago that the feelings I had for him never went away and he told me that “the lord works in mysterious ways, thats probably why we never really lost touch”. He came and saw me for the first time since 2010 last week. He told me while he was here that he wished that we had never broken up. I told him that I wished we had not either, I know I love him without a shadow of a doubt I just don’t want to say it to soon.

    • It’s a great question. First, I think you guys really need to have a DTR (Define the Relationship). If you guys are together, then I’d refer you back to the post- First make sure you really love him. Then tell him you have something to say, its ok if he’s not there yet, but you just wanted him to know, then tell him in no uncertain terms, “I love you.” And for God’s sake, don’t make it awkward if he doesn’t say it back. Let me know how it goes.

    • Ashley
    • September 19th, 2013

    I sat him down yesterday and told him while he was here and he said ” Awe thats so sweet, I know I enjoy our time together and I hope I treat you right. And I made sure that I told him that it was totally ok if he was not at that point yet but that I just wanted to let him know how I felt.

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